 |
|
 |
|
 |
|
|
|
|
Why is it so hard to be with my aging parent? |
|
|
by Danielle ---- |
|
|
|
|
|
As I drove back to Atlanta after a long holiday stay with my mother, I could not shake the mix of emotions swirling in my head. When did my mother get so...frail? When did our relationship reverse roles? Will my kids be saying the same things about me in 30 years?
The aging process--whether you are in the midst of it yourself (I guess we all are somewhere in the “process”) or watching a loved one significantly decline physically, cognitively or socially—is just plain hard.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
When did my mother get so...frail? When did our relationship reverse roles?
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
My mother’s nickname was the energizer bunny; she raised six kids, volunteered for everything, made all four of her daughters’ wedding dresses (mine was beaded!) and baked the most glorious cakes from scratch for everyone’s birthday. She did it all and managed to make it look easy.
The 15-year-old girl in me still wants to see my mom the same way she was in 1980. But, the big Kitchen Aid mixer lays idle, the dust bunnies in the corners go unnoticed and her sewing room is now just another room filled with what used to be.
My 46-year-old eyes have a hard time seeing my 82-year-old mother take a week to do what she used to do in 20 minutes. It frustrates me that she wants to stay home all the time and won’t get on a plane to Atlanta to see her grandsons play basketball. I’m bewildered by her need to obsessively talk about bad news, like the latest relative with cancer or a cousin whose husband left her for his secretary. Finally, I am fearful of my own aging process and what it will look like.
My father died from cancer six years ago. His illness was rather quick and, until the last year of his life, he was doing quite well physically, cognitively and socially. I did not see him decline over time. Frankly I don’t know which is more difficult: I miss my dad being here but I miss the mom I knew back then just as much. My mom and I always butted heads (my sisters say it is because we are alike), but when she was less frail we were evenly matched so I didn’t feel so bad.
Embracing a new relationship with this frail yet still very feisty octogenarian is something I need to make peace with. Accepting her for who she is now and enjoying what she offers her grandsons and me is crucial to this next part of our journey together.
It is kind of cute how she calls me every day after watching Al Roker to tell me what my weather will be like “up there in Atlanta.” So what if I can get it off my I-phone instantaneously, she feels needed. I admire how she follows football and chats with my sons about how “if he Saints can’t win I hope it’s the Packers!” I’m glad that every time I call to rant about how selfish my 14 year old can be she politely reminds me of the things I did and said at the same age—pay back is hell!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Accepting her for who she is now and enjoying what she offers her grandsons and me is crucial to this next part of our journey together.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
I adore our octogenarian clients, so why does my own mother send my head spinning? I think it is because I can enjoy my clients for who they are today with their rich history and hard-earned wisdom. But with my own mother I long for who she used to be and what she used to do. I’m mourning an era that has passed and will never come again and at the same time fearing an era (the one where I am the frail elderly mom) that has not come. What I need to do, and what I hope we all can do, is learn to live in and enjoy the era we are in right now.
My 82-year-old mother has gifts to give me and to the world. I just need to open my eyes, my ears and mostly my heart to them. Likewise I need to enjoy my 14 and 12-year-old boys for the moment we have now because today always turns into tomorrow’s memories and I want them to have good ones of this time in our lives. With any luck one day my boys will have a feisty octogenarian mom too. |
|
|
|
|
|
Family Business
|
|
|
|
|
|
The ice has cleared and there is a hint of Spring around the corner. Theresa is back in school and looking forward to a semester abroad. She will be taking courses in France and England. Louise is hopeful that the cast on her foot will finally come off at the end of February (it's been 7 months). The Hurley's are heading out west with their boys for a ski trip and Michelle and her husband are chaperoning a group of high schoolers through a 2 week long tour of Italy. Baseball season has started for the Spencer boys and travel basketball begins for the Cefalu's. It's going to be a busy spring. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Miles Hurley
Miles Hurley is the founding partner of Hurley Elder Care Law, which was created to provide comprehensive legal solutions for families with age- related events.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Continue reading » |
|
|
|
|
 |
|
|
|
|
| Miles Hurley Presents: |
| 2/19/2011 – Speaking at Merrill Gardens of Dunwoody |
| 2/23/2011 – CEU for Wesley Woods Social Workers |
| 2/23/2011 – In-Service with Chesnut Ridge Staff |
| 2/26/2011 – Physician Symposium for Georgia Hospice and Palliative Care Organziation |
| 2/27/2011 – Seminar at Rockdale Baptist Church |
| 2/28/2011 – Lunch and Learn at Golden Living |
| 3/3/2011 – Speaking with Burkhard Insurance |
| 3/14/2011 – Speaking to Embracing Hospice Social Workers |
| 3/15/2011 – CEU at Piedmont Hospital |
| 3/22/2011 – VA Benefits In-Service at Somerby |
| Miles Hurley and Michelle Allen Present: |
| 3/24/2011 – CEU - End of Life |
| Miles Hurley and Anne McSweeney Present: |
| 4/8/2011 – NICM/ACMA Conference |
|
|
|
|
|
For event details and more information, click here. |
|
|
|
|
|
